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If you’d merely spoken it, that would’ve been one thing, but it was precisely your distance, your fascination coupled with an intimacy, an ever-growing knowledge of it, plus throw in a nurturing tendency that I think we can both agree that you possess in more than average amounts — all of that conspired to make me, I can admit, feel somewhat vengeful toward this language, even, however insane this sounds, murderous, though the fact of the matter is that I could never, as I’m sure you know, bring any harm to any living being, but alanguage, a language is another story, especially one dying on its own, maybe due to its own inherent weaknesses or its not quite measuring up against its peers, or maybe its time has just come. And on seeing those clouds flutter over your face, I said,“Why not just leave it to die? It ain’t gonna be the English of ever,” and you seemed personally wounded by this, which might have been the reaction I wanted (I can’t quite recall, and strangely, I neglected to write about this, so I am operating on sheer memory now, climbing harnessless). But suddenly I could see that perhaps this language that you wanted to preserve and revive and celebrate was, in fact, maybe not like a lover with whom I’d be in competition, but more like a child, a sickly and needy child who needed, above all, you, and given the complexity of all of these feelings, I was able to step back a bit, inhale, take a larger view: maybe it was okay if this child-language was suckling at one breast and I was suckingon the other, maybe we wouldn’t be in competition ultimately because the language, sated and milk-drunk, would toddle off to sleep, given that it had been feeding and I was doing something altogether other, which is to say that I was in truth then encircling your nipple and bringing it to life, feedingit, in a manner of speaking, breathing little bumps into it, patterns and ideas for further patterns, and after the child-language drifted into blissful sleep, I’d have both of your breasts to myself. And moments later, like magic, they’d become tits, just like that, in an instant, and when was the transition, exactly, was there one bump, one lick with which this transformation had taken place, this transformation in its way as profound as the emergence of tits themselves from the most ordinary prepubescent chest, never a problem for you, I know? Regardless, these tits would stay tits until the baby cried out again, the infant who, remember, is just a language, not even a flesh and blood infant, so let it sleep, and let the tits stay tits for a while now that they’ve gotten themselves to that point. This very moment when I’m swiveling around the tits, sweeping over them like a master zamboni driver, or, better, a calligrapher, yes, of tongue, is when it occurs to me — and this next will constitute a larger confession — that I do some of my best thinking when I’m making the circular and semicircular and the changeably elliptical orbits of the tits. It’s then that I had the stupid thought about the Tilkez language being like a child, and on top of it then the thought, stupider by a magnitude of two or three, that if the Tilkez languagewas a child, then, since children require that“window of learning” for language development (conversations of 4/16, 5/30, 6/1, 6/10), Tilkez woulditself be learning a language, was itself picking up on average something like four to ten words per day in the heyday of its“explosion” (your figures, your word); in other words, lying there slumbering while I was expending my energies and, if all continued in this way, would soon exhaust them in orgasmic explosion of my own, all while the child was lying next to us insensate, nursed and coddled, accruing words, getting fatter and stronger on hearty nouns and zesty verbs, growing new incisors that could sink into chewy adjectives, pull adverbs from the bone, swallow whole the indigestible fiber of prepositions, all while I was doing all the work, the very type of work that brings children, each and every one, into being — I had to catch myself at this point and remind myself that this was only metaphor.. “So we watch him,” said Kira. “We keep him away from weapons, we keep him away from. “All is well,” said a woman’s voice, apparently from within the walls of the vessel.

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Damn. Sometimes it was nice to have a few minutes where all I had to do was live in the past. Now I had to go back to living in the present, and since the present seemed to want me dead—again—I would have been just as happy to put that off for a little longer.. “If nothing else, people will be incredibly impressed that you got me to stay for an entire Yule Ball, rather than escaping at the earliest possible opportunity.”

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